8/29/12

Hi My Love,

Its Wednesday night. I just got through bathing the girls, picking up the house, putting up laundry and now sitting down for the evening. I am about to fall over!!! Now just need Tess to fall asleep and then maybe just maybe I can get a little shut eye before one of them wake me again. Lordy, the girls are killing me with sleepless nights. I have been doing good but after about the fourth night of constantly waking throughout the night I am pooped. I have wined about just wishing you were here to help out at night taking turns with the girls but we all know the selective hearing would of came in effect, I could just see it now, " Randall the baby is crying....snoring gets a little louder...Randall are you going to get up....snoring proceeds to get louder, Randall seriously could you get up....snoring overtakes the the ability to hear....never mind....I come back to bed...and you would of said, OK honey I will get up what do I need to do....LOL...ummmm hmmm." You knew how to work it, acting like you were asleep....ummmm hmmm. Just wait babe just wait the day we are united again just wait.

You have been on my mind more and more each day more than normal. I am missing you so much. I have become more emotional again. Craving your presence, there are times I can picture you, smell you, and almost feel you here with me. I miss it, I miss it so much. Mom is moving back to Lovington so it is just me and the girls even though I am ready for that next step of trying to move forward in life it has definitely hit home that you are gone. I sit here every night waiting for the opportunity to go to bed and I cry, I cry for you, I cry because I feel so lost without you. I just wish someone would tell me what to do, how to feel again. Being left behind with out you, going through this storm, its almost like I am having to figure out how to think again, how to talk again, how to walk again, how to cook, clean, sleep, feel, etc....all over again,you loose how to do anything. When you say "I do" and become one with each other you become lost and tangled into this beautiful relationship you have created together, the good and the bad, and when it becomes ripped apart you become lost into a black whole trying to find light. Your emotions are so up and down, you don't know what you are going to feel from one moment to another, happy, sad, happy, angry, happy, numb, sad, happy, etc. When will it ever be normal.

Gosh dang it what were you thinking getting on that damn ATV. I swear to my time. Uggggggh.  I love you but even being gone from this earth you can still make me want to choke you out. Lordy Randall, and don't be saying "Ummmm K" to me right now..LOL! Oh I miss you! I wish you could come back to me. There are days like these past days that I just don't want to accept you are gone. Why do you have to be.....Why, Why, Why? I miss you.

Hold me tight tonight. I need to feel you. I love you Randall Rogers!! Goodnight my Love!!

Your  wife....Tiffany

8/25/12

Reality has hit! I am alone with two daughters, I have no husband to talk to at night, I have no husband to spend my time with, to share the good and the bad. Reality has hit home.

I helped with your cousin Johns wedding today Randall as I set there and listened to Travis do thier vows and bless their marriage I became overwhelmed with sadness, sadness for my self. I was so jealous that everyone was there to celebrate a new marriage, and new journey that two were starting as one. I am so happy for John and Destiny they look so in love and I remember that feeling. I remember when the doors opened at the church and I coudl see you at the end of the isle and no one else existed all I saw was you and how in love I was and still am. Why can I still not have that bliss. Why did God choose us.

Reality has hit home, the sick feeling in my stomach has appeared again the lump in my throat is back and the redness and swelling in my eyes from the unending tears has returned. I am sad today. I am sad that you are not here with me and the girls. My life is not complete with out you but some how I have to figure out how to to complete that cirlce again. This sadness is draining it makes me feel so lost and so numb and I dont like it. Please Lord give me strength. I wish I could wake from this nightmare but unfortunately it is reality.

My prayer: Dear Heavenly Father, I fall to my knees tonight and I pray to you to surround my family. To help us down this journey you have chosen for us. Give me strength to be the best servant of you and the best mother I can be to my girls. Place your healing hands apon my heart for I know you have plans for me lord. Hold me and my girls let us feel your love and presence to recieve joy in our hearts again. Watch over us and protect us from all. You are our father, we seek you in this storm, we have faith in you and we praise your name. Amen.

8/18/12

I have had an emotional day today honey. I have put our house up for sale. Mitzi came over today and I signed all the paper work and we put the for sale sign in the yard. I didn't realize how much it would make me emotional. I knew the day I actually sale it would be sad but today is sad. Its sad because I feel like I am finalizing the final chapter of our life here in this house. It saddens me that the house we bought to raise our family in will someday be someone elses, someone else will raise their family here. This is when I get angry, angry that you left me behind here by myself to feel the loneliness and the absence of you. Here to raise our girls with out you. Here to make the decisions that normally husband and wife, father and mother make together not alone. Here for the good and the bad. I am mad at you for that I am mad that you are not here to hold me, to talk to me, and help me with the kids, i feel like some days I am losing my mind and today is one of those days. I am mad, mad that you are gone. Why did you get on that stupid ATV....uggggghhh. Randall Rogers good thing you are in heaven right now because if you were hear we would be having a little come to Jesus meeting.

Through all the madness I still love you and I miss you everyday that is why I get so mad because I do miss you and I do love you. I want you here with me through the good and the bad. I want to feel your arms around me when you kiss my forehead, when you annoyingly brush your hand across my butt, I even miss the consistent text message or phone call on my lunch break asking what I was having for lunch and is it or was it good..lol..that used to bug the heck out of me but it was the first thing i noticed my first day back to work after you passed away. Its amazing how you miss the little things.

Randall I hope people have learned from your passing that life is too short to hold tight of your loved ones and count your blessings for all the little stuff that might annoy you now are actually the precious things that make your marriage unique and so special. So folks hug your spouse tonight tell them you love them even if you really want to claw their eyes out because you never know what tomorrow will bring. Live life to the fullest and make sure you tell your loved ones that you love them everyday!!!!!

I love you Randall Rogers, always do and always will....good night my angel!!!