Monday, October 15, 2012

I Love you!

Dear Randall,

Today marks the one year mark, the last milestone of the last 1st we go through in the journey of grief. Even though I still have a long ways of healing in my grief it is a since of relief knowing that my last first is finally over with. 

You were an amazing husband, lover, best friend, and father that any woman could ever ask for. I feel so blessed that you were and will always be apart of my life. You have given me so many blessings and so much grey hair...lol...but most of all you gave me love. A love I will cherish always.

I write this letter tonight to you to say that I miss you but its time for me, the three girls, and your mom to start living again. I know that is what you want for all of us. So today I ask you to give us a little more strength to start living again, to feel joy again, to hold onto the memories and the love you gave us but now to start our new journey, a journey of life, hope, love, and joy.  We will keep you with us always and we will still laugh, cry, get mad and remember you always. But today my love we ask for closure from all the pain and sorrow. Let us rejoice your life, let us give thanks in all circumstances according to God's word. We thank you Randall and we will forever love you and remember you. You are my rock, my strength and will always be my soul mate.

I love you so much Randall Scott Rogers, I will always love you!!

Your Wife....Tiffany

Thursday, October 11, 2012

One Year....

One year...I thought this day would never come nor did I really want it to come. Tonight I sit here and remember that awful moment that my world stopped. One year......you were taken from me. I unexpectedly stumbled across the audio of lets call it "The Celebration of Your Life" that sounds so much better than funeral, in which it was a celebration of your life even though I felt like mine was over. That day at your celebration I don't remember it very well. Yes bits and pieces come back to my memory, so listening to this audio DVD let me experience the celebration instead of remembering the tragic moment that my soul mate was forever gone. I listened to Travis' words tonight that he said that day he said in 1st Thessalonians 5:18 " Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  He also said this is one of the hardest things but since it is God's word we have to do it. Travis, you are right, this is so hard to give thanks, how are we suppose to give thanks when we don't understand or want to accept what has just happened, but again Travis you are right this is God's word so we will give thanks, So thank you Randall for being my soul mate, for showing me what true love feels like, Thank you for my children, Thank you for the laughter, Thank you for the gentleness, Thank you for protecting me, Thank you most of all for LOVING ME!  We celebrate your life and we give thanks in all circumstances!

I also found my letter that I wrote you the night before you life celebration, I was hoping they had put it with you but since it didn't I will hold it close to my heart. And tonight I want to tell you again:

Dear Randall,
  So many thoughts go through my head as I sit here tonight wondering how to say goodbye to the man I love, but the thing is my love I don't want to say good bye so therefore I will just say I will see you in God's time. I will see you when I look at our beautiful children that you have blessed me with. I know they will have their daddy's love, your spirit and your strength, that you have also given me.
  Honey these past seven years have truly been the greatest and best years of my life. We have shared so much together. You were not only my husband but you were the love of my life, my best friend and my rock. You taught me so much, I feel so blessed to have been loved by you. The love we had and will always have for each other will never be taken away. I will carry that in my heart forever.
  Randall, I want you to know me and the girls will be ok because you taught us to be strong to live. God never fails us, he makes us stronger in his faith and love to keep living, always know my love you will forever will be with us and we will always love you.
  "As my Husband, you have gone the extra mile more times than one. You are my husband, my friend, and my soul mate."
   I love you Randall and until we meet again rest in peace my love and I will see you in God's time!
                                                              Love...Tiffany (Your Loving Wife)

So Randall I will say this again we will be ok because you live within us. You have given us hope to see you once again in God's time. We just ask you to keep protecting us, to be our guardian angel. We also ask to let us not forget and always remember your love because it was so strong, so intoxicating, and so real. You will forever be my soul mate and I will love you always. I miss you so much, the girls miss you so much. So again I say I will see you in God's time.
                                                            Love....Tiffany (Your Loving Wife)

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

9/26

Hi my love!

I have some exciting news, I sold the house. Yes babe I sold the house and found us girls a cute little house over by our friends. I am so excited. I will miss the house we bought to raise our family but I am excited for my new start. I know you would be proud of me too.

Lots of stuff has gone on the past couple of weeks. My emotions have been so up and down since we are getting close to the 1 year mark. We would have been married 5 years next weekend, how wonderful would that have been. I miss it, I miss being married to you I miss the years we had together but I rejoice. I rejoice for the Love we shared, the life we had and the children we had. I rejoice because God gave me you!

I love you Randall Scott Rogers! I rejoice that you are forever my love.

Your wife, Tiffany

Thursday, September 6, 2012

9/6/12

Well its my birthday in two days and you are not here. Ummm hmmm I see how it is. If you didnt want to get me a present all you had to do is tell me...lol...I miss you! I am going out Friday night with some girlfriends to celebrate, your parents are going to watch the girls. And then Me, Angela, Jessica are going to lubbock I am going to take the girls and they are going to hang out with mom, nanny and peepa while I go see Brooke and have another birthday celebration...I know I am a princess as Tessa would say. LOL! As much as I am excited to have some adult time more than anything my one birthday wish would to have you here by myside. So a request please let me feel your arms around me a little tighter on saturday.

You are always on my mind and always in my heart. Please know that I love you so very very much and I miss you more you will ever know. I love you Randall Scott Rogers!!!!

Your wife...Tiff

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

8/29/12

Hi My Love,

Its Wednesday night. I just got through bathing the girls, picking up the house, putting up laundry and now sitting down for the evening. I am about to fall over!!! Now just need Tess to fall asleep and then maybe just maybe I can get a little shut eye before one of them wake me again. Lordy, the girls are killing me with sleepless nights. I have been doing good but after about the fourth night of constantly waking throughout the night I am pooped. I have wined about just wishing you were here to help out at night taking turns with the girls but we all know the selective hearing would of came in effect, I could just see it now, " Randall the baby is crying....snoring gets a little louder...Randall are you going to get up....snoring proceeds to get louder, Randall seriously could you get up....snoring overtakes the the ability to hear....never mind....I come back to bed...and you would of said, OK honey I will get up what do I need to do....LOL...ummmm hmmm." You knew how to work it, acting like you were asleep....ummmm hmmm. Just wait babe just wait the day we are united again just wait.

You have been on my mind more and more each day more than normal. I am missing you so much. I have become more emotional again. Craving your presence, there are times I can picture you, smell you, and almost feel you here with me. I miss it, I miss it so much. Mom is moving back to Lovington so it is just me and the girls even though I am ready for that next step of trying to move forward in life it has definitely hit home that you are gone. I sit here every night waiting for the opportunity to go to bed and I cry, I cry for you, I cry because I feel so lost without you. I just wish someone would tell me what to do, how to feel again. Being left behind with out you, going through this storm, its almost like I am having to figure out how to think again, how to talk again, how to walk again, how to cook, clean, sleep, feel, etc....all over again,you loose how to do anything. When you say "I do" and become one with each other you become lost and tangled into this beautiful relationship you have created together, the good and the bad, and when it becomes ripped apart you become lost into a black whole trying to find light. Your emotions are so up and down, you don't know what you are going to feel from one moment to another, happy, sad, happy, angry, happy, numb, sad, happy, etc. When will it ever be normal.

Gosh dang it what were you thinking getting on that damn ATV. I swear to my time. Uggggggh.  I love you but even being gone from this earth you can still make me want to choke you out. Lordy Randall, and don't be saying "Ummmm K" to me right now..LOL! Oh I miss you! I wish you could come back to me. There are days like these past days that I just don't want to accept you are gone. Why do you have to be.....Why, Why, Why? I miss you.

Hold me tight tonight. I need to feel you. I love you Randall Rogers!! Goodnight my Love!!

Your  wife....Tiffany

Saturday, August 25, 2012

8/25/12

Reality has hit! I am alone with two daughters, I have no husband to talk to at night, I have no husband to spend my time with, to share the good and the bad. Reality has hit home.

I helped with your cousin Johns wedding today Randall as I set there and listened to Travis do thier vows and bless their marriage I became overwhelmed with sadness, sadness for my self. I was so jealous that everyone was there to celebrate a new marriage, and new journey that two were starting as one. I am so happy for John and Destiny they look so in love and I remember that feeling. I remember when the doors opened at the church and I coudl see you at the end of the isle and no one else existed all I saw was you and how in love I was and still am. Why can I still not have that bliss. Why did God choose us.

Reality has hit home, the sick feeling in my stomach has appeared again the lump in my throat is back and the redness and swelling in my eyes from the unending tears has returned. I am sad today. I am sad that you are not here with me and the girls. My life is not complete with out you but some how I have to figure out how to to complete that cirlce again. This sadness is draining it makes me feel so lost and so numb and I dont like it. Please Lord give me strength. I wish I could wake from this nightmare but unfortunately it is reality.

My prayer: Dear Heavenly Father, I fall to my knees tonight and I pray to you to surround my family. To help us down this journey you have chosen for us. Give me strength to be the best servant of you and the best mother I can be to my girls. Place your healing hands apon my heart for I know you have plans for me lord. Hold me and my girls let us feel your love and presence to recieve joy in our hearts again. Watch over us and protect us from all. You are our father, we seek you in this storm, we have faith in you and we praise your name. Amen.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

8/18/12

I have had an emotional day today honey. I have put our house up for sale. Mitzi came over today and I signed all the paper work and we put the for sale sign in the yard. I didn't realize how much it would make me emotional. I knew the day I actually sale it would be sad but today is sad. Its sad because I feel like I am finalizing the final chapter of our life here in this house. It saddens me that the house we bought to raise our family in will someday be someone elses, someone else will raise their family here. This is when I get angry, angry that you left me behind here by myself to feel the loneliness and the absence of you. Here to raise our girls with out you. Here to make the decisions that normally husband and wife, father and mother make together not alone. Here for the good and the bad. I am mad at you for that I am mad that you are not here to hold me, to talk to me, and help me with the kids, i feel like some days I am losing my mind and today is one of those days. I am mad, mad that you are gone. Why did you get on that stupid ATV....uggggghhh. Randall Rogers good thing you are in heaven right now because if you were hear we would be having a little come to Jesus meeting.

Through all the madness I still love you and I miss you everyday that is why I get so mad because I do miss you and I do love you. I want you here with me through the good and the bad. I want to feel your arms around me when you kiss my forehead, when you annoyingly brush your hand across my butt, I even miss the consistent text message or phone call on my lunch break asking what I was having for lunch and is it or was it good..lol..that used to bug the heck out of me but it was the first thing i noticed my first day back to work after you passed away. Its amazing how you miss the little things.

Randall I hope people have learned from your passing that life is too short to hold tight of your loved ones and count your blessings for all the little stuff that might annoy you now are actually the precious things that make your marriage unique and so special. So folks hug your spouse tonight tell them you love them even if you really want to claw their eyes out because you never know what tomorrow will bring. Live life to the fullest and make sure you tell your loved ones that you love them everyday!!!!!

I love you Randall Rogers, always do and always will....good night my angel!!!

Monday, July 30, 2012

7/30/12

Hi Honey,

Its been a while.  I am sorry I havent talked to you in a while the girls keep me going in circles and 90 to nothing. I went and saw you last week, your grave looks so good. There is no more bare spotsand  there is grass all over, thank God. Now I can sit down and talk to you. Oh babe I miss you.

I have been thinking about you more often and missing you more again this past week. I dont know if it is because the kids are growing up so much and doing new things that i wished you were here to see or what. I just know I miss you. The other day I went for a walk and the area in our housing addition that is the far west out by the school there is still open feild out there. That evening there was a thunder storm in the background and what looked like a golden field which actually it was just dry but I like to imagine as a golden wheat field. Anyways I stopped to look at the storm it was the most beautiful thing. It looked just like the picture I imagined right after you passed everytime I wanted to see you I would picture a beautiful wheatfield and the wind slightly rippling through and I knew you were there. I could feel you there with me it was so peaceful. I felt like if I could just walk out there I would be able to see you, to touch you, to talk to you. I wish I could. I sure do miss our laughs, are sarcasim, our annoyance, all the above, I miss us! But since I cant have that anymore I will just continue to look at golden feilds and picture you there in such peace in God's country. I love you!!!

Randall in a few short months it will be a year since you have gone to a much better place with such love and peace we can only imagine of. As time heals and as time passes I will still carry you in my heart and will always treasure what we had and what we made together. I will treasure our life together. I ask of you to give me peace to move forward, to find happiness in life again and to have strength, courage, and knowledge and most of all love to raise our children and provide for our children. To raise them in a Christian upliving so one day we will all be together. I need your blessing and your encouragement. Know that I love you and will always love you more than words would and could ever describe. I thank you for being apart of my life and showing me what love feels like. Until we meet again remember I love you, always have, always will and I will talk to you soon.

Love,
Your wife....Tiffany

Sunday, July 8, 2012

7/8/12

Hi my Sweet Love,

I just wanted to say I love you! Not much is going on here. My life is pretty much a routine get up get ready, take the kids to daycare, go to work, come home, hang out with the kids, go to bed and do it all over again. I just miss sharing all of this with you the good and the bad. I just miss you Randall.

All the girls are together this next couple of weeks. Tess just loves Tay and Tay is so good with her. And Riley just smiles at the both of them. We have some beautiful girls honey you would be so proud. You might drink a little heavier having all the estrogen in the house...lol!!!!

We love you Randall and we miss you everyday. Keep watching over us, and wrap your arms around each of us so we can feel your love. Goodnight honey!

Love, Tiffany


Wednesday, July 4, 2012

7/4/12

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Randall, Happy Birthday to you!!!

Happy Birthday my Love, I am so absolutely sure that you are having a fantastic birthday party in heaven and now I can actually say you are playing catch with Moses you old fart....lol!!!! I couldn't resist :)

So I did ok for a little bit but then I just couldn't help it I went for a walk this evening to clear my head and I just cried. I miss you so much. I was walking and their was a nice cool breeze the sound of a soft wind, and people in the background, kids running around so much peace and happiness around me but my heart was nothing but broken. All I could picture was your face, sitting in the back yard will actually we would of probably been at the lake or out at the Cox's shooting fireworks and drinking cold beer and you my love would of had a huge grin on your face and I am sure by now you would of been feeling pretty good...LOl! I miss it, the laughter, the conversations, and again your presence. 

We did celebrate your birthday today me, Tess, Riley and my mom went to the cemetery to see you today and to send our birthday balloons up to you. Each balloon had a message to you. Tess actually released them all for us, she did so good of course her balloon had to be purple :) but when she released them she said "balloon went by by in the sky to daddy, by by daddy love you." It melted but broke broke my heart. She should be helping you blow out candles not saying by by. Life seems so backwards sometimes. But I have to have faith, Faith knowing all things are good and that we will be ok. Faith that one day I will have peace and that one day I will see you again.

We celebrate your life today because you are so precious and so loved. You will always be celebrated in our eyes and in our hearts and we love you. So Honey Happy Birthday and Happy 4th of July!!

Love, Tiffany


Monday, July 2, 2012

7/2/12

Hello my Love,

Its been a while since I last wrote you, I am so sorry, your kiddos have kept me busy. :) So it will be nine months this month since you went home to Jesus. I cant believe it has been that long and not only that but you would have been 42 this week, you old man...LOL. I thought of your birthday today well I been thinking about it alot lately, and I remeber how I would tease you about being old, "playing catch with Moses", and so on and you would reply " I can still do circles around you. You were such a smart butt and so true. I miss you babe, I so miss our laughter our sarcasism, our marriage. You were and always and will be everything I ever wanted in life. Lordy, why did you have to go.

Ok so for you birthday I still have to celebrate and remind you that you are old, j/k, me and the girls are going to send balloons up to you so be watching for them. We will come see you and lay some pretty flowers on you grave and sing Happy Birthday! We love you so much and just want to let you know I am so glad you were apart of my life for seven wonderful years and thank you for my family that we created together. I love you.

On another note, update on your kids! Taylor just turned 14, my oh my she has turned into a beautiful young woman. Her mom sent me pictures of her birthday party and she had a red solo cup themed birthday it was really cute. She misses you Randall. She just got to amarillo tonight to stay with us for three weeks, I am really excited to see her. Your second daughter, Miss Tess Miss Thing, well she is crazy as ever but she is sooo smart and I am not just saying that but she really is. Such a fast learner, she knows all her colors, can count to ten, and knows pictures, and shapes, she also sings her ABC's. I am so proud of her, I just wish she would use some of that smarts and learn not to sass me and listen to what I have to say. She is very head strong. She also has turned into quite the swimmer, she loves it and is so good at it. She still wears a life jacket but she is going under water and everything. She misses you too, she tells me often that her daddy is in the sky, so shine extra bright at night so she can see you. And your youngest girl, Miss Riley, will needless to say she is eating me out of the house, she is well over 17 lbs and is wearing 9 month clothes and she is just turning five months old. I had to start her on baby food because she likes to eat all the time. :) But she is one happy baby, always smiling, laughing and only cries when she is hungry go figure. She also loves Tessa, she just laughs at her all the time and watches every move, she lights up when tess is around even if Tess is pulling on her foot, or squeezing her hand, she just sits there and laughs, whats wrong with this picture...LOL!

Lastly update on me... I am doing ok. It seems lately I have struggled again. I miss you. I think I am finally going through acceptance. I have accepted that you are gone I might not like it but I have accepted it. I was telling mom yesterday that my greiving feels different. I know I dont  have that sick to my stomach, vomit, gut wrenching sadness anymore. I just feel sad, I long for you and I feel for my girls. I would do anything and everything if I could have you back here with me but I know that wont happen so I will just keep our memories alive and I will continue to talk to you and about you. I love you Randall Scott Rogers, always will. Until next time......

Love, Tiffany

Thursday, June 14, 2012

6-14-12

This week has not been a good week. I have really missed you Randall. I miss hearing your voice, talking on the phone with you, and your presence. I feel so lonely without you here. Oh how I wish you could come back to me. I have heard a saying  " I wish there was a direct line to heaven so I could call and talk to you."

I have leaned on the verse this week and have it on my desk " For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord." I keep telling myself that because I know there is a reason God took you, I know he has plans for me and the girls, but I just cant help but wonder what and why.

It will be 8 months tomorrow since i last saw you, wow I can't believe its been that long ago. You know it still doesnt seem real. I have accepted that you are gone but it still doesnt feel real I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

Tessa is been saying Daddy alot, wanting to look at your pictures so one day she saw a man in a pick up truck and said "Daddy's truck, Daddy" and I replied no honey that is not daddy, he is in heaven she looked at me puzzled so I said Daddy is in the sky. She lit up and said Daddy in the sky, so every morning on the way to school she lets me know that Daddy is in the sky. It breaks my heart Randall that she does not understand where you are or that she will never have you in her life and that Riley will never know her daddy. It breaks my heart that I have to hear Daddy is in the sky. What am I suppose to do. I am so tired, there is so much responsibility as a single parent, the worries, the good and the bad that both parents share together is now completely on me, oh how I am so tired. So again I tell myself " For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord." I know the Lord will see us through this, I know he gives me strength, and I know he carries me when I feel like I cant walk another step through this storm. I know one day he will give me peace.

I love you Randall, I will always love you forever.......Love....Tiffany your wife, soul mate, and best friend.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Hello my love,

I have been thinking of you a lot these past couple of days. I miss you so much, my life seems to be getting busier and I wish you were here with me. There are days that I just stop and think I cant believe you are really gone. Some days it feels so real because of the loneliness and emptiness and then there are days where I think you are going to call me any day now or walk through that front door. I miss you!

I see our friends with her spouses and other people with their spouses and I get so jealous how I would do anything to have you walking by my side or holding my hand or even annoying me so I could complain about how you don't do anything like every wife does about there husbands....lol! I miss talking to you, doing things together, I miss you always wondering what we were going to eat or fix for supper even though when you were alive it drove me nuts because it seemed like that's all you thought about some days...:) You were such a mess, a mess that I love soooooo much. I miss you!

I came to see you on memorial day and put some flowers on your grave. I looked around and saw so many loved ones visiting there loved ones. It looked so nice out there to see all the American flags flying around. I also felt sorry for my self that day because all I could think of was that everyone else was barbecuing with their families or at the lake or on vacation while I was visiting my husbands grave and putting flowers on it. You know its just not fair, its funny how the small things will break your heart. I miss you!

I miss you Randall I will always miss you and I love you! Please wrap your arms around me tonight so I can feel your touch and I can feel your love once again. I love you and I miss you.

                                                                                    

                                                                                     Love,
                                                                                    Tiffany

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

5/22/12

So I gave in Honey....I signed Tess up for Weeball...LOL!! I know you are the happiest proudest dad in Heaven right now. And she did so good at her first practice. She actually caught the ball, threw the ball, ran the bases and hit with a bat you would have been so proud of her. Tyler and Christy are coaching the team and as I was watching them on our first practice all I could think of was how you and Tyler would of been coaching and how much fun you both would of had together both coaching your baby girls.  It really is lots of fun and too cute watching all the little kids running around trying to play..Precious!


Besides my life getting that much busier now with Tess playing weeball, I was promoted to team leader at work which I am really excited about. That means more responsibility at work and a new challenge. Things are looking up and I owe that to you and our Lord. I know that you are still taking care of us girls and watching over us. You have blessed our lives, my life and are still blessing. Thank you Randall. You are still my knight and shining armor, my hero and the love of my life. I miss you more than words could ever describe but because of your love and God's love I can make through the day with a smile again and I can look at are beautiful children all of them and feel so blessed and so love.  We love you and I will talk to you soon.

                                                              Always in my heart and love always,

                                                              Your wife.....Tiffany

Lets Play Ball!!!!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Monday, May 7, 2012

5/7/2012

Hello My Love,

Its been a while since I last wrote you. I have seem to be running around with my head cut off. Your two littlest girls keep me busy. So in a little over five hours three years ago I was waking you up telling you it was finally time that little Miss Tess would be blessing us with her presence little did we know it would be another 16 hours before we finally met her. That should of been our first clue we had a high maintenance little girl on our hands. LOL!!! She is beautiful Randall I cant believe our little girl is going to be three tomorrow it just doesn't seem that long ago. Through all the orneriness she has turned out wonderful she is a special little girl and so smart. Maybe to smart for her own good and of course stubborn but she comes by it honest who isn't stubborn in this family.

We had her birthday party on Friday nothing big just family and a couple of friends she got a play house and loves it. Every morning she tells me "Mommy, My house" it is so cute. She also got a hair cut I call it a buster brown hair cut and it is so cute. My she is growing up she talks all the time and goes non stop you would be so proud, what am I saying I know you are so proud of all your girls they all  have turned out absolutely beautiful I feel very very blessed.

On another note kinda of an early birthday slash fathers day gift I signed Tess up for Wee Ball I am so excited and I know you would have been ecstatic. I cant wait, Christy is going to coach the team and Tyler is going to help so that Tess and Andi Mae can play on the same team its going to be a blast to watch cousins play together. I will keep you updated but I know you will be watching from up above so on that note please protect her while she is playing I don't know if I am ready for are little dare devil to get hurt or have a broken bone.

Well as you can see its been a busy couple of weeks. We miss you so much and I really have been missing you. This past week or so its been hard knowing our little girl is turning 3 and you are not here with me to share her birthday. Oh how I wish you were here. I know you are here in our hearts and in spirit you are are Angel from up above. Please hug our little girl tomorrow my one birthday wish for her if for a moment she can feel your arms around her.  We love you!!

                                                                                      Love,
                                                                                      Tiffany


Happy 3rd Birthday Tessa Kay We Love you,

Mommy and Daddy








Sunday, April 29, 2012

04/29/12

Hi My Love,

I have missed you today, oh how I have missed you. So I finally had my first night by myself with just the girls since you have been gone, and it went just fine. I finally put my big girl panties on, yea me!!! LOL! And then the girls and I went to the lake. Tess had a blast she played in the mud and ran all over the place. She warmed my heart and made me laugh, her and KK were picking flowers and she walked up to me with her sweet smile and big blue eyes and acted like she was about to give me a bouquet of flowers and then took them backed and walked off....idian giver...LOL!! She is such a mess, never a dull moment with that one.  Riley did well also. Me on the other hand though I put a smile on my face, had some good laughs and enjoyed being there in the same breath I felt like I was crumbing inside. I kept picturing you there, hearing your laughter on the front porch it just wasnt the same with out you there. It just isnt the same with out you here. I know in time things supposedly will get easier but the process is so painful. I am so glad I went to the lake because it was another stepping stone and I look forward to the many other trips there but again I miss you, I need you there, I want you here.  We had so many good times that its hard to even remember any bad times. You made me smile even when you got on my ever loving last nerve.

You know I wonder everyday what is the purpose of this journey God has started me on. Why was I chosen to live a life with out you and our girls with out their daddy. I have faith that we will be ok because I know our God is mighty but I just cant help but wonder why.

I know in my heart honey you are happy and that makes me happy. I miss you but I now I will see you one day and what a wonderful day that will be. Until then watch over us my love, keep us safe and let us feel your love. We love you so much.

                                                                      Forever in my heart,
                                                                      Tiffany

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

4/24/2012

WHY????? Why is my question tonight? The minute I start to feel somewhat normal I look around and realize my life is not normal and I hate that. I was happily married and was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you and now that has been taking away? So why did it happen and why do things happen to good people? I look around this house every night when I finally get a few minutes to myself and its quiet I dont have my husband to talk to or or just sit in the same room with. I get so mad that I dont have that anymore. I get so tired of being the only parent in our kids life through the good and the bad and I miss being able to share the good and the bad of our beautiful children with you. Its just not fair. I am doing the best I can but I hate doing it alone I know that sounds selfish and I know I am not the only one that has been left behind to raise children and to live on this earth without thier loved ones but I am going through it right now and guess what it SUCKS!! I was looking at your picture today trying to remember what it felt like to hold your hand or to kiss your lips gosh dang it I want it back.I know I have to face the harsh reality that it will never happen that I will never get to hear your voice, to feel you next to me or kiss your lips but there are days and nights like this one I just dont want to face that reality I want to rewind time. So tonight I am mad, sad and dont want to face reality but the only thing I do know and feel is that I love you sooooooo much and I miss you soooooooo very much.

                                                                                        Love,
                                                                                        Tiffany

Sunday, April 22, 2012

4/22/12

Hi Honey,

Its Sunday night and I finally got both kids to bed but of course they are both asleep in my bed. Oh well atleast they are asleep and who is complaining I get to snuggle up to both of my sweet babies.  Well I have a good story for you about Tess you would of have laughed so hard so here it goes. Saturday we were in the living room, mom, Jennifer, me and Riley. Tess was in moms room watching a movie when all the sudden she comes walking into the living room holding her panties and you can guess from that what happened next....lol....she said "Mommy I pooped" seriously what the heck. My jaw dropped to the ground but I laughed so hard and immediately thought of you and what would you have said or done. She is quite the character.

I also wanted you know I mowed the yard like a big girl and I cussed you the whole time... :).....lordy that is hard work I have the blisters to prove it.  I dont know if I ever told you honey but I appreciated so much everything you did for me.  I hope that you knew how much I loved and still love you. You were so good to me and I thank you for that. I miss you and love you all ways.


                                                                           Goodnight my love,
                                                                            Tiffany


Thursday, April 19, 2012

4/19/2012

Hey Babe...

Wow what a busy two days.Wednesday we had court I was a nervous wreck. I didn't quite know what to expect, was I going to have to sit there and hear all about the accident and the horrible details? God had a hand in it and thank you Lord I did not have to relive it through details I am not ready to hear. But just hearing the basic story of your last day, hours, and minutes here on earth made me feel like my world had came to an end once again. It just still does not seem real that you are not here with me.  I just have to keep reminding myself one day I will see you in Heaven and will be with you once again.

On another note, today was my first day back at work and it went great. I had lots of fun with the girls at work and they all seemed very happy to see me. I feel so blessed to be there, they have been so nice and supportive throughout these last six months and I really have lots of fun there.

Today felt good getting in a normal routine. Getting the girls ready and myself, getting them in the car and off to daycare, but I will tell you this I was once again reminded of your absence when I looked back as my mom was helping me get the kids loaded up and she was buckling Tess in her seat and instead of seeing your face I saw hers. I miss having you walk us to the car every morning buckling Tess up and saying the few little words " I love you booger and I love you momma" oh how I would do anything to hear that again. So until we are reunited I will just picture you walking us to the car bucking us in and telling us you love us because we love you so much.

Okay, lastly tonight we had a get together at Jamie's it was all the old Hummer girls, me, Jamie, Abbie, Jimmie Lou, Kendra, Ashley and Mindy. We had such a good time and we laughed so hard told many stories and reflected back on many memories. This is how our lives began so thank you Hummers for letting me be able to meet the love of my life. And thank you for a wonderful night of laughter and memories.

Randall Rogers I love you and miss you. Until next time have a great night and we love you so much,
                                                     Tiffany and the girls :)




Tuesday, April 17, 2012

4/17/2011

Dear Randall,
I LOVE AND MISS YOU EVERY DAY!!

                     LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
                      Tiffany

Monday, April 16, 2012

4/16 continued...

So much on my mind and I want to talk to you about it. Probably the hardest thing is wanting to talk to you and hear your voice and I cant. WHY!!!! We should be living our lives together, growing old together and watching are children grow. We are suppose to got through trials and tribulations, good times and bad times together but I am here alone without you wanting to scream, wanting to hear I LOVE YOU, wanting to feel your touch, wanting to have your presence. It is so frustrating. It makes me feel like I could crawl out of my skin. You are suppose to be here with me. I wish the clock could turn back time, so I could see you one more time. Oh how I miss you.

There are days that it just doesn't seem real that I am waiting to receive a phone call or a text message from you or that you will walk through that door any moment now. Just the other day I reached for my phone to call you and then I realized I couldn't. This is not a good night for me. I miss you, I get mad at you, and most of all I love you. I love you I love you I love you I love you.

Lord hold me right now because I am struggling, take my emptiness away, my confusion away and my heartache away. I am trying to understand your way and have faith that I will get through this and that you needed him more than me. I pray for peace and knowing that I will see Randall again one day. Surround us with you love oh lord for I need to feel it right now.

                                                                            I love you,
                                                                            Tiffany

4/16/2011

Good morning my love!
Wow I woke up this morning realizing I have so much to do and so little time. I really need to work on this procrastinating.  Lol!!! The girls went to daycare today little miss Tess was as you would say being little today, but she was fine once we got there and miss Riley was all smiles she kept me up every two to three hours last night. So needless to say momma is tired this morning but no rest for the weary gots to get busy on getting everything done before work on Thursday.

Have a wonderful day I know you will because you are in paradise. I will try to come and visit you this week before I go back to work. I love you so much.

                                               Talk to you soon,
                                                Tiffany


Sunday, April 15, 2012


Letters to Randall


4/15/12



Well it’s been six months today, oh how we miss you.  Miss Riley is getting so big and Tess is growing up herself. I wish you were here to watch them grow and develop their own personalities. Tay came down a couple of weeks ago and we all had so much fun together, she has become a beautiful young lady well a teenager I am not ready for her to grow up just yet.   There are days it seems impossible to do this alone without you but then God gives me strength.  I never realized how much you did for me and how much I depended on you. You were my rock. There are days I feel so lost without you here.

I go back to work this week, I am excited but then I am not I have really enjoyed my time off.  It has given me the time to spend with our children and to start trying to figure out how to start turning my world right side up even though at times it still feels upside down. But we are figuring new things out each day and learning how to lean on each other.

I really need you this week so I pray to God that not only will he be present and carry through some storms this week but to also have you by my side. Honey I ask for you to wrap your loving arms around me hold my hand and once again be my rock. I love you so much and I thank you again for loving me the way you did and still do.

Until next time, remember we love you forever and always.



                                                                                                With all my love my sweet angel,

                                                                                                Tiffany